Why Draco Shouldn't Prank
by subspace31
Summary: In which Draco Malfoy screws up potions, letters, and talking to elves in the worst possible way.


I do not own Harry Potter. Obviously.

* * *

Draco Malfoy barged through the doorway into an empty and unassuming classroom, slamming the door behind him. He quickly cast the most complex locking spell he could remember, followed by a shield. As a second thought, he summoned one of the desks in the room and pushed it against the door. A few moments later, however, he could hear the footsteps belonging to his pursuers continue to run down the hall and he breathed a sigh of relief.

"You can go right back out now," a voice behind him said.

Draco's eyes widened as he silently cursed his first mistake; not checking the room. He looked behind him, exhausted, but thanked whatever magical power was looking out for him when he saw it was only Ronald Weasley.

"Ron," He panted, never so glad to see the fifth-year Gryffindor, pushing away the seeding dread at his hostility. "Please, they'll tear me apart if I go out there."

Ron tilted his head, thinking. "While I'm not saying that's something I wouldn't enjoy," he drawled, a small smirk on his face. "It is nice to hear you begging me for help."

Draco scoffed. "It was hardly begging," he defended. "I can say please every once in awhile without being reduced to a house-elf. Besides, it's hardly a joking matter at this point."

Ron's growing smugness died all at once and his posture tightened as he was abruptly reminded of the situation. "Right. Which is why you should probably go." His eyes darted back and forward between Draco and the door. His grip on his wand tightened, but his hand was shaking all over the place. "It's nothing personal, just that we can't trust each other…"

"Just admit it's personal," Draco snapped, interrupting Ron's rambling before it began. "You're a noble Weasley and I'm a nasty Malfoy. You finally have the upper hand, so of course you're going to use it. Just…" Draco sighed, a bit too shaken himself. "Just let me stay. I'll owe you one, okay?" The words hurt to say, but pride was a necessary sacrifice."

Ron half-snorted, but was listening. "What can you offer me?" He finally asked after a long, tense pause. "There's no way I can trust you to watch my back, and I doubt you have anything on you I can use right now."

Draco thought furiously for something he could use. It took only a few seconds before he snapped his fingers. "An explanation!"

"What?"

Draco tried to work up some confidence, but now didn't seem like the time for a sneer. "I'm probably one of the few people in Hogwarts who knows what's happening in this damn castle. I mean, most of it is my fault."

Ron showed his temptation at the offer clearly on his face, letting out a long puff of air after a not-so-long silence. He lowered his arm (but didn't put his wand away) and sat down desk. "Fine then," he said. "I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. You're capable of coherent thought, at least."

Draco slowly nodded at that, shuddering at his own experiences of that day as he sat down on an opposite desk. "Where would you like me to begin?"

Ron shook his head, slipping it into his hands. "I don't bloody know. Beginning of today?"

"You want me to run through my whole shower routine and everything?" Draco snarked, giving a small grin.

"Sod off, Malfoy. The beginning of _today's events_."

"Fine, fine. Though I could recommend some shampoo for that mop on your head. A comb would be a good start."

It was hard to tell from his head buried in his arms, but he thought Ron's reply was, "Tell that to Harry."

Draco sombered just a little bit as he got back on subject. "Well, today started out disturbingly like that. I had a… prank planned."

"I knew it!" Ron sat up, non-wand hand pointed at Draco accusingly, yet somehow victorious. "I knew Slytherins pulled pranks beyond trashing potions!"

Draco raised his hands in exasperation. "Well, with your twin terrors giving us the motive and the perfect smokescreen, how could we not? Anyways, my prank was a bit more drastic, I'll admit."

He cleared his thoughts, carefully deciding how to say what he had to next. "I wanted to test a theory I had about the house elves in the kitchens, to see if they would listen to one student over the many. As long as you addressed them directly and used a bit of clever phrasing, turns out they'll go along with anything! Er, they would."

"My plan was to add Detesia to all the Gryffindors' breakfasts keyed to Potter and dosed for an hour." At Ron's blank stare, he elaborated, "Detesia is an inverse potion of Amortentia. Instead of making someone fall madly in love, the person would despise them." That got an offended gasp out of Ron. Draco threw his hands in the air again in defense. "I didn't think it would actually work! Even if it did, it wouldn't really be that much different."

Ron scoffed, grudgingly agreeing. "It didn't work," he guessed.

"No. For one, I forgot to add Invarrtt." Before Ron could ask, Draco explained, "The ingredient that makes the potion the opposite. Duh."

"Oh," Ron pondered wisely. "So instead of Demisia…"

"Detesia," Draco corrected. "And yes, I spiked the food in the Great Hall with Amortentia keyed to Potter."

"But I thought you said it was only Gryffindor. And only for an hour!"

Draco gave a meek shrug. "I might've forgotten to include the bit about just Gryffindor?"

"No," Ron muttered in horror.

"I got close!" Draco quickly defended. "None of the guys were affected because it was only put in the _girl's_ food. But the stronger potion meant a stronger dosage. It'll be around a week before it wears off, I think."

"So let me get this straight," Ron recapped. "Instead of making all the Gryffindors madly hate Harry for an hour, you made all the girls madly love Harry for a week. Despite 'girls' and 'Gryffindor' not even being close to phonetically similar."

"Yes?"

"Wow. And that doesn't even explain the Death Eaters."

"Well, I'm also to blame for that, I suppose," Draco meekly admitted.

"What," Ron deadpanned.

"So, my father is on the Board of Governors, and as such can view the wards and staff of Hogwarts in the magical register at any time," Draco explained. "So when I figured out you and Potter were running that defense club, I sent a hint to my father that he should keep an eye on the register for the next few days for a treat." He paused, before sheepishly admitting, "I was planning to use this prank to find out where you were meeting."

Ron ran a hand through his hair and let out another long sigh, but motioned for Draco to continue. "When the chaos started, Dumbledore tried to regain control. Then the stampede happened, and he got knocked out by a horde of hormonal teenage girls looking for Potter. Well, his status was updated in the registry to notify Pompey and redirect his mail, but my father saw it all the same."

"And Voldemort chose that moment to launch an attack on Hogwarts," Ron finished.

Draco gave a small nod. "Umbridge got away from the stampede and back to the Ministry before they showed up though, right? So the aurors came equipped to deal with rebellious students and got terrorists instead. Voldemort came to intimidate children and found aurors. Both were surprised and overestimated the other's power, scattering throughout the school. Then the vigilantees showed up."

"The Order of the Phoenix," Ron named.

"What?"

"The vigilante group. They're called The Order of the Phoenix, and it's lead by Dumbledore."

Draco blinked. "Well, that explains the eccentricity. Anyways, they came to protect the kids and found out the kids were probably the biggest threat. While the aurors and Death Eaters were struggling to regroup, it was every man for themselves when it came to finding and seducing Potter. Any organized defenses left crumbled when Luna Lovegood led the creatures of The Forbidden Forest into the school during parley."

Ron laughed nervously."Say that again." He said. "It sounded like you said Luna Lovegood led the creatures of The Forbidden Forest into the school during parley."

"I did. The aurors, led by Umbridge, met with the Death Eaters, led by Voldemort, and the vigilantes, led by Mad-Eye Moody, in the Great Hall to try and minimize the chaos while the students were dealt with. The ministry coalition all thought Voldemort was conjuration one of the Death Eaters while the vigilantes wanted the kid's safety first. Voldemort just wanted to kill them all there."

"Before he got a chance to, Luna Lovegood led a charge of Thestrals into the Hall and thrashed them with threats half of them couldn't see. The ones who could were stopped when the spiders crawled in... " Draco paused while Ron shuddered. "And then the giant crushed the strongest."

"A giant," Ron stated, dumbfounded.

"Yep. A brother to Hagrid, I assume. His father was one of the giant chiefs who refused Voldemort in the first war if I have my Mega Sapien history/culture correct."

"You're having a laugh." Ron accused.

"I was right there with my father when it happened. The beast had unique traits to the Moarte Clan, such as the small stature but impressive intelligence, and the big stick it hit Voldemort with was definitely scrawled with ancestral runes for eviscerating spirits."

"Why in the bloody hell do you know so much about giant culture?" Ron asked is shock.

"Please, I'm a Malfoy. We have standards to maintain."

"Fine," Ron surrendered. The school is controlled by rampaging fangirls for the next week, there are giant spiders walking around in the halls, and Voldemort was killed by a freaking giant. So the real question is; Where the hell is Harry?"

Draco paused for the longest time before admitting, "I have no idea."

* * *

"This is a nice chair," Harry Potter said, lounging across the Headmaster's chair.

"Yup!" Luna Lovegood agreed, throwing another lemon drop up to the gentle Grawp.

"No, but this is a really comfortable chair." Harry explained to Luna, who once again nodded in agreement. "Why don't the students get chairs like this instead of stone benches? Or at least the other staff?"

"Because chairs have too much shade underneath them," Luna answered.

"Oh, that makes sense," Harry confirmed.

"It does?" Albus Dumbledore questioned, confused and a little uncomfortable from sitting on the floor.

"Of course it does," Luna told him serenely. "The Habberkops can't fly in the shade."

Dumbledore thought that answer over for a moment, then shrugged and popped another Lemon Drop into his mouth.


End file.
